It's not about the house...

I am so tired I can hardly think straight. Why am I not in bed?! Weellll, that is because I have learned a valuable lesson and I just wanted to get it recorded and frankly, it is faster for me to type than to write in my journal that I have beside my bed.

So I hung Christmas lights today. I got out our huge ladder and hung the icicle Christmas lights from the roof to trim the house. I thought only men did that when I was growing up, but I am married to a busy doctor type so I have done a lot of things on my own, now add hanging Christmas lights to that list. I must say it looks good. Props to my neighbor Jared for helping when I had to stop to nurse Baby Benjamin. I just want my house to look 'Christmasy'. I want the inside to be clean, picked up and cutesy decorated. So I spend too much time away from the things that matter and put my mind to making my house look like a magazine home.

And then I hear a still, small voice inside my soul

It's not about your house

Moving on... which is what I did. Tomorrow my husband and I are going to a work Christmas party. It is at some super swanky, fancy, high class country club, the likes of which I am SO not classy enough for. So WHAT on EARTH am I going to wear!!!!?????? Do you realize that I am 5 weeks post partum? The only thing Christmas partyish about this body is my mid section because it resembles that of Santa's. It shakes when I laugh like a bowl full of jelly. Core muscles - What are they? I want to look nice and not be an embarrassment to my husband, but when am I going to get out and shop for something suitable to wear?

Yesterday Tim got off early (2:30pm) and came on home! He graciously offered to be in charge of the kids whilst I go search the stores for a dress, a bra that fits (this by the way is VERY key), some shoes and some jewels. Here was the plan - and I was getting rather excited I might add. He would get home, I would nurse the baby, make sure all was set with the other kids then leave. Well, that did not happen. Some pals from Tim's work were going to happy hour at a local hang out and they invited Tim. He went (with my blessing, yes) with the intention to build relationships with these guys and share Christ with them. I would shop later. The malls are open until 11pm and I could go later on and let him do bed time with kids (even better ;-). Hours later he called asking me to pray for the guy that he was hanging out with. We didn't speak long. Just long enough to say that this guy was going through a tough time and Tim wanted to minister to him and be a witness for Jesus.

I totally faked cheerfulness. He profusely apologized and I faked a cheery disposition as I told him that I was proud of him for being Christ's witness to this lost soul and that I would pray for their conversation. Totally faked it. I hung up and I cried. I was so disappointed because I REALLY wanted to go shopping.

And then I hear a still, small voice inside my soul

It's not about your clothes

So, here I am. After a few very, very long single mom days I sit and I am ready to listen to this still, small voice.

It is about glorifying Me.

"Consider the lilies of the field. Yet, Solomon in all his glory was not clothed as such as these. Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things shall be added"

Big sigh. It's not about my house. It's not about what I wear. So I sit here, asking for His forgiveness, earnestly praying for Tim and this guy that he really wants to help, and choosing to look past the messy house and jelly belly to the everlasting reality of God's love.

For I so Loved this world, that I sent my one and only SON [as a humble tiny baby] that whosoever believe in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.

"That's what Christmas is all about, Tara McIlrath"

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

For months I have been feeling this baby inside of me kicking, rolling, squirming and on and on. So the anticipation of his arrival was indeed great because I really wanted to get to know this child who for so long was so busy! His official due date was October 18, but according to my past history of childbearing that does not mean that the delivery will occur on or anywhere near that date.

All of my older three were 11 days overdue.

So October 18 comes and goes. Then October 25 comes and goes and I am still pregnant. Knowing that this baby is probably well over 9 lbs and fully formed, I decided to enact the plan... I drank castor oil. YUCK! and double YUCK! So I downed that nasty stuff at 2 in the afternoon and then about 6ish that evening it started taking effect (it is a laxative). Well, the evening progresses, but my contractions do not so we all go to bed.

About 2AM I wake up to some pretty good contractions and journey up and down the hallway from the bathroom to the kitchen. "THis is IT" I know it is time, so I call the doctor, wake my husband and mom and call the neighbor who is going to come and watch the kids for us while we are gone.

But fear grips me. A deep overwhelming fear that takes over my whole body and intensifies my contractions like nothing I've felt before. "This is too good to be true" or "I have three healthy babies, this one has to have something wrong with it" or "there was something wrong with the ultrasound and it didn't show a major defect that this baby has".

I could go on. I began to pace the floors as I heard Tim turn on the shower. Just as he was getting out, I decided to jump in and boy am I glad I did. It was as if God was washing all of that fear off. The hot water relaxed my body and my spirit so that the fear was no longer an issue in me, but rushing down the drain with the rest of the water.

So we pack up the car and away to UT we go. Upon arrival we are greeted by my doctor and get the IV of antibiotics going. Well the contractions practically stopped. BUMMER! I was about 4-5 cm dialated and about 60% effaced.

So that was 3:30am and then we just hung out until 9am when she came back to break my water. I thought for sure I would have the baby two hours later. Two hours later came and went and still no baby. Started me on pitocin and that kicked in some, but not enough. Kicked up the dosage of pit a few times and by 1pm the contractions were getting good and close.

FINALLY, at 1:30pm, after being at the hospital for 10 hours I was complete and ready to push. You must understand that I was at the hospital for three hours before I had Eric, one hour before I had Amy and 10 minutes for Paul. This long labor was not something I was prepared for and I was tired.

Pushed for 30 minutes and it was the worst 30 minutes of my entire life...yet the best. At the end of it all I welcomed a precious life into my arms.

Turns out he was sunny side up, meaning his head and body were facing up which makes for a more difficult delivery.

Oh those few moments of agony was indeed the worst pain I have EVER experienced in my life, but it brought out the best little Benjamin boy you ever did see.

Welcome to the world Benjamin Miller McIlrath 9lbs 2oz! So glad you are here!

Siblings

Yesterday morning before church Paul and Eric were running around the house laughing and playing with each other. Eric would hide and Paul would run after him to find him then both would squeal and laugh at the sight of each other prompting Eric to run somewhere else and the start all over again.

Meanwhile, Amy was with me in the bathroom doing hair and make up. Who knew!?! Just last summer we would have major battle drama when it came to hair and getting her somewhat groomed. Now she not only wants to see what I am doing, but groom herself to the utmost.

Well, back to the brothers...they just loved running around and bumping into each other then running away from each other only to rejoice in the moment of seeing the other's face just seconds later.

Later that day a few neighbor boys came over to play. Our backyard becomes a local hangout for these boys. The 9 year old boy has one 14 year old sister and the 5 year old boy has an 18 month old sister. So these boys aren't used to having siblings close in age which lends itself to the normal day in day out of wrestling, tugging at each other for space in momma's lap, and other stuff that sibs close in age have to deal with. The two neighbor boys were a little annoyed with Eric and Amy taunting them with a plastic shovel. So the 9 year old comes and tattles to me while I see that my kids have learned to deal with the annoyance.

As I observed their play, I suddenly became aware that I missed my brother and sister. My brother is about to celebrate his 34th birthday in a few days. My little brother - 34! We are 22 months apart and we were playmates oh so many years ago. I am thankful for my brother. We had some fun times together and for that I am truly grateful. Wish we could see each other more often.

My sister and I talk more often and I learn so much from here. Even though she is 5 years younger, she has enriched my life more than she'll ever know.

Siblings. I love them and I am thankful for them. Yes, I say that now that I am a grown up and not fussing over who cheated at Monopoly. At any rate, I love you Bradley! I love you, Kristin and I sincerely thank God for making us sibs!!

O to know God's Heart!

"knowing God's heart means consistently, radically, and very concretely to announce and reveal that God is love and only love, and that every time fear, isolation, or despair begin to invade the human soul this is not something that comes from God. "

-Henri Nouwen from In the Name of Jesus. Crossroad Publishing

We love because HE first loved us. I don't really get how much He loves me. If I were able to grasp the fullness of His love, for little ol' me, I have a feeling my outlook on life would be much different.

Prayers of little saints

Tonight at our small group we went on a 'prayer walk'

I am really glad we did and it was precious to take a devoted time to pray with our children. Amy and Eric were with me (Timmy is on call). So we went from room to room praying for different things.

We get to the room where we were to pray for Fellowship Church. (This is our local church that we are a part of)

Lately my kids have been preoccupied with things, especially buildings catching on fire. They pray all the time that our house doesn't burn down. So that might explain Amy's little prayer...

Amy prays - "i pray that the church doesn't get fired and that the people inside don't melt"

Made for the moment

Home alone. I am in my house all by myself for the next three hours. Weird. I am used to having little ones about making noise and making mess. Yesterday I was looking forward to having a break without kids and now I am wondering why I was so rushed to get them out of the house. I had this enormous list of things to do while they are in school and now I do not feel like getting to even number one. That stuff doesn't matter. I think I was made for motherhood.

Made to have somewhat of a squishy body so that my children will feel all warm and cozy when they snuggle up to me.

Made to smile at their cuteness even though to some their smile may seem mischievous.

Made to enjoy the sounds of little voices playing, jabbering - heck even screaming - because that means that they are alive.

Now that they are not around I realize what a gift these little ones are. So, here I am with a bit of a new perspective on motherhood. It is really just a moment in time. And I was made for this moment. I won't be so quick to yearn for 'time off' of mothering. It's my moment for motherhood. Embrace it! Embrace them!

All too soon this life shall pass and only what's done for Christ will last.

Maybe why I procrastinate...

“…a habit of procrastination indicates a worship problem: an unwillingness to do the work that God has appointed for us, or an inability to discern what he has given us and what he has not. The procrastinator loves to hoard her time for herself rather than work diligently in it on the errands and tasks God gives her. She would rather blame the chaos outside of her than the chaos in her heart.”

–Staci Eastin in The Organized Heart: A Woman’s Guide to Conquering Chaos (Cruciform Press, 2011)

Fewer things

I can think of fewer things better than a baby kicking me from the inside. As I write, there is a 27 week old little boy moving around inside my womb. I liken his movements to a child engaged in a gymnastics class, golf lesson and a swim meet all rolled into one.

And I thought my older three were high energy.

At times I think I am too old for this. What have I gotten myself into!! I will have three boys and one princess to rear and it is no easy job, but it is a Joy! When I stop to really ponder the reality of this little human life growing, moving and moving and moving inside of me I am truly amazed. One cell from me and one cell from Tim to make one cell. Then that one cell multiplied and now has thousands upon thousands of cells already working together in a masterpiece of life.

I've stood atop fourteeners in Colorado at sunrise. Been to the sacred holy church in Ethiopia where the Ark of the Covenant is reported to be. I've experienced the unconditional warming acceptance of a family all the days of my life.

Even through all of this...

I can think of fewer things better than my baby boy kicking me from the inside.

God accepts me just as CHRIST is

The following is an excerpt from a blog that I read regularly. The content just changed me so much that I had to post it here. Really, really insightful.

“What happens to the Gospel when idolatry themes are not grasped? ‘God loves you’ typically becomes a tool to meet a need for self-esteem in people who feel like failures. The particular content of the Gospel of Jesus Christ—‘grace for sinners and deliverance for the sinned-against—is down-played or even twisted into ‘unconditional acceptance for the victims of others’ lack of acceptance.’ Where ‘the Gospel’ is shared, it comes across something like this: ‘God accepts you just as you are. God had unconditional love for you.’ This is not the biblical Gospel, however. . . .

“The Gospel is better than unconditional love. The Gospel says, ‘God accepts you just asChrist is. God has “contraconditional” love for you.’ Christ bears the curse you deserve. Christ is fully pleasing to the Father and gives you His own perfect goodness. Christ reigns in power, making you the Father’s child and coming close to you to begin to change what is unacceptable to God about you. God never accept me ‘as I am.’ He accepts me ‘as I am in Jesus Christ.’ The center of gravity is different. The true Gospel does not allow God’s love to be sucked into the vortex of the soul’s lust for acceptability and worth in and of itself. Rather, it radically decenters people—what the Bible calls ‘fear of the Lord’ and ‘faith’—to look outside ourselves.”

-David Powlison, “Idols of the Heart and ‘Vanity Fair,’” Journal of Biblical Counseling 13 (1995): 49.

I realize this may be a shocking statement to some. In a sense, I suppose it’s true to speak of God’s unconditional love in the sense that his love rests on us irrespective of what we deserve. But the wisdom of Powlison’s quote is to expose that “unconditional acceptance” can possibly mask a refusal to repent, a holding onto who I am and refusing what God offers me in Christ.

Guest Post by Eric Ortlund

He left the light on for me

It is midnight and I just walked in the door from being out at a prayer meeting with some precious girlfriends. It is a dark night and the light from my front porch was a comforting beacon of warmth and acceptance. It was as if I could audibly hear, "you belong here, we won't rest until you are safe within these walls, the light shines to show you in where you ought to be"

It is a big deal that the lights were on because the darkness was most certainly present upon my departure. My husband and I had not had the best evening in this journey of marital bliss and so after the kids were down and kitchen was clean I checked with him if anything else needed to be done and then I left. Cold and dark was my interaction with him. So in response to my earlier behavior upon leaving, I was more or less expecting a dark house when I drove up. But no, there was light.

There is forgiveness - he has forgiven me. There is acceptance - he accepts me for who I am. There is fellowship - I am his friend and he desires for us to spend time together. This is what the light represents to me.

"In HIM was life, and the life was the light of men. and the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." John 1:4-5

"This is the message which we have heard from Him and declare to you, that God is light and in HIM is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with HIM, and walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin."

1 John 1:5-7

I see these Bible verses in a totally new 'light'. I often just turn my back on God, walk away to go my own way and not face the reality of my wrongs. Eventually, I come back and when I do, I know HE is eager to welcome me in to where I truly belong because, well, He leaves the light on for me.

Lavender the herb of relaxation

I named this blog 'Lavender Lane' to be a bit sarcastic because there isn't much around me that smells like lavender. We just colored Easter eggs today and when my 5 year old Eric walked in the kitchen this afternoon he says,

"Why does is smell like a stinky in here!?!?"

I guess he isn't used to the smell of several cracked hard boiled eggs and vinegar.

He came home from school the other day so excited to tell me that one can recycle elephant poop to make paper! :-) Betcha didn't know that!!!

Amy says the CUTEST things. Here are some of my faves...

'My spy wif my little eye sumping is...'

'God Our Father, God Our Father, we fank you, we fank you. Many many blessings, many many blessings. Amen. Amen'

Precious Paul is giving me a run for it!!! 21 months going on 21 years!! The other day he wandered out of the house and by the time I discovered his presence was no longer under my feet he was in the middle of the church parking lot behind our house. These are his most frequently said words, 'Tain-tu, Biaper, Ou-sigh, cookie, cake and eeeat". The child never misses a meal and if you were to pick him up you would agree with me.

I am carrying our fourth child!!! 14 weeks along and the baby is due on his/her daddy's birthday which is October 19. We are hoping for a girl and Amy is quite sure that it is. We love Baby already and can't wait to meet it. I know there will be much more cute sayings, messy meals and lots of stinkys to come, but all in all... life here in Lavender Lane is...

Beautiful.

A Mother's Prayer Tears

Have you ever checked in on your children while they are in a deep sleep?

I just did. And my eyes are still wet with their outpouring of love that can't be explained in words. It is the middle of the night and I can't sleep. So I go in to check on my children and I am just brought to tears.

Can it be that these precious, beautiful children are begotten of me and Tim? These living, breathing, growing, thinking little human beings started from two tiny cells.

Why even now, there is one so small growing in my womb and yet so full of life that I am overjoyed at the mere thought of what this little one can bring to this earth.

Amazing! So amazing I am speechless, and the only 'thinking' comes from my eyes as they well up with tears only to fall on the bodies of these sleeping babes.

Prayer tears.

They contain my prayers for life and life abundant. Prayers that the Words of Christ would dwell in their hearts. Prayers for health, strength, long life, and that their faith may not fail.

"The prayers of the righteous availeth much" I am not sure where that is in the Bible, but it is there. I don't feel righteous and I certainly can point to some unrighteous behavior in my life, but I pray that my prayer tears for my children will availeth much.

A mother messes up a lot. At least this mother does...O, but to know , to KNOW that my prayer tears have not fallen in vain. My Father, the Creator Almighty in Heaven has heard them and has collected the tears.

After all, He made me to be a mother

Love one another

Just heard this from my precious children and I had to record it...

Eric and Amy were sitting at the table eating lunch when Amy says, "I'm done."

She got up and started making her way to the living room when she says, "Hey Eric, wanna play Charades?"

Eric: Not right now, I'm still eating.

Amy: Okay, I'll just play by myself.

(By the way, how does one play Charades by oneself?)

Eric: Nooooo, Amyeeeeeeeeee. I want to play with you. You are my best friend.

At that my heart swells and a broad smile takes over my face.

"This is My commandment, that you LOVE one another, that your joy may be full." ~Jesus

I know why God commands us to love one another and I know how much joy it brings Him when we love each other. My kids say they love me all the time and yes I love to hear it and I appreciate it. I know they love me. I gave birth to them, I nursed them, I held them close for hours on end and bonded with them early in their lives and everyday since. So I really do not have to hear from their lips that they love me...albeit wonderful...I just know they love me.

But when I hear them say that they love one another and that they are best friends... that warms my heart infinitely more than when they profess their love for me. Why is that?

Now as I type this they are making Lego space ships for each other. Such a joy to peek in on them.

This is the greatest commandment, You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and the second is this, love thy neighbor ~Mark 12:30

Getting Up

Getting up early to read, pray and write.

What is it with me and getting up early!?! Why is it so hard and such a battle in my mind? My husband gets up for work and leaves by 5:30 every morning. So I feel like I have at least some motivating factor to help get my tush out of bed and see him off.

But no. I stay and sleep.

"A little sleep, a little slumber, and a little folding of the hands to rest; so shall your poverty come like a prowler, and your need like an armed man." Proverbs 24:33

That's convicting. Is it convicting enough for me to get out of bed?

A few months ago I was enjoying a lovely evening with a group of women. All of these women were married to physicians (be it residents or attendings). So one major action that the two wiser and more experienced ladies did was to get up every morning with their husbands and fix his breakfast or get his coffee.

They GOT UP!!! One admitted that she didn't do much for her husband at 4:30am in the morning except heat up a muffin for him, but hey, getting one's head away from a warm, soft pillow and one's feet onto the cold, hard floor of the early morning says she did MUCH!

These ladies were on the same team as their husbands. They were for them and they didn't just say it, but they lived it. They anticipated the needs of their God-given spouses and put some action in the mix.

I say that I am a relational individual and that I have often 'taken pride' in the fact that I am just "so relational". The truth is I am a very poor communicator. So the whole 'relational' thing is thrown out the window because how in the world can one have a relationship with anybody unless there is communication?!

So here I am, communicating with myself really and writing for the world wide web to see that I have resolved to get up at least two mornings a week to communicate with my husband (my most important human relationship) before he leaves for work. Additionally, I will stay up in order to have a time to communicate with God (my most important relationship).

"His grace is sufficient for thee"