It's not about the house...

I am so tired I can hardly think straight. Why am I not in bed?! Weellll, that is because I have learned a valuable lesson and I just wanted to get it recorded and frankly, it is faster for me to type than to write in my journal that I have beside my bed.

So I hung Christmas lights today. I got out our huge ladder and hung the icicle Christmas lights from the roof to trim the house. I thought only men did that when I was growing up, but I am married to a busy doctor type so I have done a lot of things on my own, now add hanging Christmas lights to that list. I must say it looks good. Props to my neighbor Jared for helping when I had to stop to nurse Baby Benjamin. I just want my house to look 'Christmasy'. I want the inside to be clean, picked up and cutesy decorated. So I spend too much time away from the things that matter and put my mind to making my house look like a magazine home.

And then I hear a still, small voice inside my soul

It's not about your house

Moving on... which is what I did. Tomorrow my husband and I are going to a work Christmas party. It is at some super swanky, fancy, high class country club, the likes of which I am SO not classy enough for. So WHAT on EARTH am I going to wear!!!!?????? Do you realize that I am 5 weeks post partum? The only thing Christmas partyish about this body is my mid section because it resembles that of Santa's. It shakes when I laugh like a bowl full of jelly. Core muscles - What are they? I want to look nice and not be an embarrassment to my husband, but when am I going to get out and shop for something suitable to wear?

Yesterday Tim got off early (2:30pm) and came on home! He graciously offered to be in charge of the kids whilst I go search the stores for a dress, a bra that fits (this by the way is VERY key), some shoes and some jewels. Here was the plan - and I was getting rather excited I might add. He would get home, I would nurse the baby, make sure all was set with the other kids then leave. Well, that did not happen. Some pals from Tim's work were going to happy hour at a local hang out and they invited Tim. He went (with my blessing, yes) with the intention to build relationships with these guys and share Christ with them. I would shop later. The malls are open until 11pm and I could go later on and let him do bed time with kids (even better ;-). Hours later he called asking me to pray for the guy that he was hanging out with. We didn't speak long. Just long enough to say that this guy was going through a tough time and Tim wanted to minister to him and be a witness for Jesus.

I totally faked cheerfulness. He profusely apologized and I faked a cheery disposition as I told him that I was proud of him for being Christ's witness to this lost soul and that I would pray for their conversation. Totally faked it. I hung up and I cried. I was so disappointed because I REALLY wanted to go shopping.

And then I hear a still, small voice inside my soul

It's not about your clothes

So, here I am. After a few very, very long single mom days I sit and I am ready to listen to this still, small voice.

It is about glorifying Me.

"Consider the lilies of the field. Yet, Solomon in all his glory was not clothed as such as these. Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things shall be added"

Big sigh. It's not about my house. It's not about what I wear. So I sit here, asking for His forgiveness, earnestly praying for Tim and this guy that he really wants to help, and choosing to look past the messy house and jelly belly to the everlasting reality of God's love.

For I so Loved this world, that I sent my one and only SON [as a humble tiny baby] that whosoever believe in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.

"That's what Christmas is all about, Tara McIlrath"

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

For months I have been feeling this baby inside of me kicking, rolling, squirming and on and on. So the anticipation of his arrival was indeed great because I really wanted to get to know this child who for so long was so busy! His official due date was October 18, but according to my past history of childbearing that does not mean that the delivery will occur on or anywhere near that date.

All of my older three were 11 days overdue.

So October 18 comes and goes. Then October 25 comes and goes and I am still pregnant. Knowing that this baby is probably well over 9 lbs and fully formed, I decided to enact the plan... I drank castor oil. YUCK! and double YUCK! So I downed that nasty stuff at 2 in the afternoon and then about 6ish that evening it started taking effect (it is a laxative). Well, the evening progresses, but my contractions do not so we all go to bed.

About 2AM I wake up to some pretty good contractions and journey up and down the hallway from the bathroom to the kitchen. "THis is IT" I know it is time, so I call the doctor, wake my husband and mom and call the neighbor who is going to come and watch the kids for us while we are gone.

But fear grips me. A deep overwhelming fear that takes over my whole body and intensifies my contractions like nothing I've felt before. "This is too good to be true" or "I have three healthy babies, this one has to have something wrong with it" or "there was something wrong with the ultrasound and it didn't show a major defect that this baby has".

I could go on. I began to pace the floors as I heard Tim turn on the shower. Just as he was getting out, I decided to jump in and boy am I glad I did. It was as if God was washing all of that fear off. The hot water relaxed my body and my spirit so that the fear was no longer an issue in me, but rushing down the drain with the rest of the water.

So we pack up the car and away to UT we go. Upon arrival we are greeted by my doctor and get the IV of antibiotics going. Well the contractions practically stopped. BUMMER! I was about 4-5 cm dialated and about 60% effaced.

So that was 3:30am and then we just hung out until 9am when she came back to break my water. I thought for sure I would have the baby two hours later. Two hours later came and went and still no baby. Started me on pitocin and that kicked in some, but not enough. Kicked up the dosage of pit a few times and by 1pm the contractions were getting good and close.

FINALLY, at 1:30pm, after being at the hospital for 10 hours I was complete and ready to push. You must understand that I was at the hospital for three hours before I had Eric, one hour before I had Amy and 10 minutes for Paul. This long labor was not something I was prepared for and I was tired.

Pushed for 30 minutes and it was the worst 30 minutes of my entire life...yet the best. At the end of it all I welcomed a precious life into my arms.

Turns out he was sunny side up, meaning his head and body were facing up which makes for a more difficult delivery.

Oh those few moments of agony was indeed the worst pain I have EVER experienced in my life, but it brought out the best little Benjamin boy you ever did see.

Welcome to the world Benjamin Miller McIlrath 9lbs 2oz! So glad you are here!

Siblings

Yesterday morning before church Paul and Eric were running around the house laughing and playing with each other. Eric would hide and Paul would run after him to find him then both would squeal and laugh at the sight of each other prompting Eric to run somewhere else and the start all over again.

Meanwhile, Amy was with me in the bathroom doing hair and make up. Who knew!?! Just last summer we would have major battle drama when it came to hair and getting her somewhat groomed. Now she not only wants to see what I am doing, but groom herself to the utmost.

Well, back to the brothers...they just loved running around and bumping into each other then running away from each other only to rejoice in the moment of seeing the other's face just seconds later.

Later that day a few neighbor boys came over to play. Our backyard becomes a local hangout for these boys. The 9 year old boy has one 14 year old sister and the 5 year old boy has an 18 month old sister. So these boys aren't used to having siblings close in age which lends itself to the normal day in day out of wrestling, tugging at each other for space in momma's lap, and other stuff that sibs close in age have to deal with. The two neighbor boys were a little annoyed with Eric and Amy taunting them with a plastic shovel. So the 9 year old comes and tattles to me while I see that my kids have learned to deal with the annoyance.

As I observed their play, I suddenly became aware that I missed my brother and sister. My brother is about to celebrate his 34th birthday in a few days. My little brother - 34! We are 22 months apart and we were playmates oh so many years ago. I am thankful for my brother. We had some fun times together and for that I am truly grateful. Wish we could see each other more often.

My sister and I talk more often and I learn so much from here. Even though she is 5 years younger, she has enriched my life more than she'll ever know.

Siblings. I love them and I am thankful for them. Yes, I say that now that I am a grown up and not fussing over who cheated at Monopoly. At any rate, I love you Bradley! I love you, Kristin and I sincerely thank God for making us sibs!!

O to know God's Heart!

"knowing God's heart means consistently, radically, and very concretely to announce and reveal that God is love and only love, and that every time fear, isolation, or despair begin to invade the human soul this is not something that comes from God. "

-Henri Nouwen from In the Name of Jesus. Crossroad Publishing

We love because HE first loved us. I don't really get how much He loves me. If I were able to grasp the fullness of His love, for little ol' me, I have a feeling my outlook on life would be much different.

Prayers of little saints

Tonight at our small group we went on a 'prayer walk'

I am really glad we did and it was precious to take a devoted time to pray with our children. Amy and Eric were with me (Timmy is on call). So we went from room to room praying for different things.

We get to the room where we were to pray for Fellowship Church. (This is our local church that we are a part of)

Lately my kids have been preoccupied with things, especially buildings catching on fire. They pray all the time that our house doesn't burn down. So that might explain Amy's little prayer...

Amy prays - "i pray that the church doesn't get fired and that the people inside don't melt"

Made for the moment

Home alone. I am in my house all by myself for the next three hours. Weird. I am used to having little ones about making noise and making mess. Yesterday I was looking forward to having a break without kids and now I am wondering why I was so rushed to get them out of the house. I had this enormous list of things to do while they are in school and now I do not feel like getting to even number one. That stuff doesn't matter. I think I was made for motherhood.

Made to have somewhat of a squishy body so that my children will feel all warm and cozy when they snuggle up to me.

Made to smile at their cuteness even though to some their smile may seem mischievous.

Made to enjoy the sounds of little voices playing, jabbering - heck even screaming - because that means that they are alive.

Now that they are not around I realize what a gift these little ones are. So, here I am with a bit of a new perspective on motherhood. It is really just a moment in time. And I was made for this moment. I won't be so quick to yearn for 'time off' of mothering. It's my moment for motherhood. Embrace it! Embrace them!

All too soon this life shall pass and only what's done for Christ will last.

Maybe why I procrastinate...

“…a habit of procrastination indicates a worship problem: an unwillingness to do the work that God has appointed for us, or an inability to discern what he has given us and what he has not. The procrastinator loves to hoard her time for herself rather than work diligently in it on the errands and tasks God gives her. She would rather blame the chaos outside of her than the chaos in her heart.”

–Staci Eastin in The Organized Heart: A Woman’s Guide to Conquering Chaos (Cruciform Press, 2011)