I did NOT sign up for THIS!!

 "I did NOT sign up for this"

I have heard these words a lot lately.  My husband is on the board of Paideia.  We are going through a very difficult time right now.  Meetings after meetings after meetings that are HOURS long and seem to only last in an impasse.  He and the other board members are exhausted and utterly spent.  They serve and give and stay up really really late listening, discussing, praying, etc.  But there comes a point and I know my Tim is at that point and he is saying on the regular, "I didn't sign up for this!"

As I have been walking through this with him, I am reflecting on what I thought I 'signed up for' when I became a Christian.  I said, YES, to serving Jesus.  I said and sang, "I have decided to follow Jesus" 

Following Jesus.  

Yes, I am a Jesus follower.  

Or am I...

just a Jesus admirer?

You see I am discovering there is a big difference between a Jesus admirer and  Jesus follower.  A Jesus Admirer stands back a ways and admires Jesus and His teachings and how He served and even how He sacrificially died.  

Aaaand that. is. it.

A Jesus follower actually follows Him.  In other words, a follower imitates the Master's every move, action, and intentions.  A follower has the same mindset as the Master.  So do you know what it means to actually follow Jesus?

Before I go any further, I once asked my youngest child, "Why did Jesus come to earth in the first place?"

He confidently said, "To die for my sins and the sins of the world"

That was spoken by a ten year old in the place of his ten-year-old-walk with Jesus.  I love that he knows this, but what he said isn't the whole of why Jesus came.  

Here's what Jesus Himself said,

"For I have come down from heaven, not do do my own will but the will of him who sent me." John 6:38

Jesus was a sent one.  He was himself a follower.  Yes, it is "the Will of the Father that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in Him should have eternal life and I will raise him up on the last day" v 40 so my little boy was right that the will of the Father included "Jesus' dying for sins", But the whole truth is that Jesus came to do the will of the Father.  So after a while as Jesus was walking around the earth and healing the sick, but getting bombarded with crowds and Pharisees etc did He ever say, "I did NOT sign up for this!"

I wonder.

Paul the apostle writes in Philippians 2

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others.  Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."  

Being a Jesus follower means having the same obedient and serving mind as Jesus.  Being an imitator of Jesus means imitating him by setting aside my own agenda, emptying myself and serving others to the point where it really, really hurts.  

Being a Jesus admirer means getting all dressed up to look nice to go to a big building on a Sunday morning and hearing a sermon about Jesus and admiring how great he is.  

But to give and serve like Him?  To deny my self like Him? To imitate Him and to follow Him truly?

Did I sign up for this?

Yes.  Yes I did.  

Is it worth it? Because this following Jesus is hard.  It stings and it hurts and we are exhausted.  And there is another meeting and there is another angry parent email to read and there are more meetings and there are more sleep deprived nights and there is more.....

I guess I could renounce my choice to follow Jesus.  I could deny that I know Him.  It's been done before.  

Oh Jesus, help me.  I ask You as a desperate human.  Will you help me follow YOU? No matter what.  I just have to believe that I will join with You as a fellow heir in the grace of life that I will see Your glory in the land of the living.  If I don't follow You, then where else will I go?  What is better than following Jesus? What has greater reward than following Christ? 

Phil2:9 Therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee would bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.  

"For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in Him should have eternal life, and I will Raise him up on the last day"

Sigh, Okay Lord.  I signed up to follow You and follow You I will.  Even when it is dark and annoying and long and cumbersome and ultimately fatal.  The death of my flesh.  

I believe in You.  I believe that as I look to You, I will be raised up with You on the last day.

Is there anything better.

Spartan Ultra 2019. Crushing it ~ or Crushing me

As I write this post I am in dry clothes that are so super soft and I have fuzzy socks on.  I am sitting AND sitting in a cozy chair at that.  Even though it is 32 degrees outside I am inside a warm house with central heat.

This was NOT the case at this very time two days ago.  Two days ago - Saturday, Nov. 23, I was outside with about one thousand other Spartan Ultra racers trying our hand at completing a 30 mile  grueling test of physical and mental strength.

Little backstory... back in 2017 my precious friend, Lisa, did a Spartan race and after she told me about it I remember thinking that was great for her, but I am not that type.  I am a Ballet dancer by birth - Zumba lover - Holy Yoga and Pilates studio gal and I really didn't want to get muddy.  Okay so I let go of any aversion to mud and I did my first Spartan with her in March of that year.  I was HOOKED!  It was the 5k distance and about 20ish obstacles and I had so much fun and it was so short that I got the bug and I couldn't wait to do another one.  So in August of 2017 Lisa  and I competed in the West Virginia Spartan and we completed our Trifecta!  In other words, we completed the three distances of the Spartan.  The Sprint (5k), the Super (10k) and the Beast (half marathon).  Each distance has a bunch of obstacles and albeit it hard, we had a GREAT time and I am really really glad we did all three races in one weekend.  So fast forward to a year ago when I met Mr. David Leach who came to teach at Paideia Academy and we co-coached the cross country team at Paideia.  He knew I had done some Spartans and asked me to consider doing the Ultra with him.  I guess he couldn't find anyone crazy enough to do this distance with him.  Well, in typical Tara style I said "SURE!" with resounding enthusiasm.  That was at the Paideia Christmas party last year. When I was warm and cozy and so sure of myself and my physical capacities....

That was all crushed two days ago.

So there I was Saturday morning 6:30AM as I stood with 1,000 other crazy Ultra competitors thinking "this is crazy, but it's going to be fun and I can do it".  The announcer yells  "WHO AM I?" to which we respond

I AM SPARTAN!!!!!

That part always makes me tear up and get a lump in my throat because I don't feel like a Spartan.  I am a mom.  I am a wife.  I am just Tara... but today I am a Spartan as well and that is pretty cool.

So off we went.  Up hills and down hills, through mud and woods, on and off obstacles, up ropes and down ropes, up and over walls, across monkey bars - (small caveat...I did not go all the way across the monkey bars, but David did ~twice!) and burpees.  Around 11:45am we were coming to the end of the first lap and there it was... the dunk wall.  We fully submerge ourselves in cold muddy water only to crawl up a slippery bank to the transistion area.  That was when the shaking and quivering started and we continued to shiver for the next 6 hours.  

Stopped for a short lunch break in-between laps and as I was opening or trying to open my bars I could barely grasp the packing because I was shivering so bad.  I seriously thought I was dangerously close to getting hypothermic when I looked around at all of the other Ultra racers and noted that EVERYONE was shaking.  Even the big tough guys who looked like seasoned Marines had hands that were quivering like a frightened, cold chihuahua in a veterinarian clinic.  So I didn't feel so bad about being freezing cold because misery loves company.  We didn't want to linger too long so we packed up our stuff and took off for lap 2. In the rain.

As we went up the hill for the second time we were trudging through thick, thick mud and that's when David said ... "This is going to take a while"  My heart just sank.  We had completed the first lap in about 5 hours and I thought it would be possible to do the same the second time around.  However, i was very wrong and I was so discouraged.  How could I make it even one hour in this freezing rain and I was shivering so violently that it was hard to put one foot in front of the other let alone complete obstacles that required a lot of upper body strength.

But then I was reminded of a man we met in the first lap who had already completed two Ultras earlier this year and he told us that if he can do it - anyone can do it.  I was reminded of something David said during our first lap and that had to do with being grateful that we have the physical faculties to do this.  There are some folks who are wheelchair bound or who have other limitations that would LOVE to do a Spartan, but physically can't.  I was reminded of Colossians 3:17 that was printed on the back of another competitor's shirt.  "and whatever you do in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."  I remembered a Keith Norman sermon I heard years ago titled "The Courage to do the New".  I kept repeating the phrase 'embrace the suck' as I sloshed through the thickest cake batter like mud in the history of thick mud.

And then before I knew it we were at mile 20.  Okay, we made it to Mile 20.  I can make it to Mile 21 and that's what I had to tell myself over and over again.  Oh by the way, my knee was KILLING me it hurt so bad.  It was like all the fluid around my joint and the cartilage covering the bones of my right knee just disappeared and my bones were just pounding on each other.  I just kept putting one muddy foot in front of the other and before I knew it I saw the sign Mile 25.  5 more miles to go and it was getting dark.  Well in these conditions - steady rain, temperature dropping, darkness, shivering beyond control, sopping wet clothes, unbearable right knee pain, and mud - 5 miles would take a solid two hours.

It was at this moment that David asked me how I was doing and this was my breaking point.  Earlier in the day when he asked me if I was okay I would cheerfully respond with "yes".  Heck, ask me that question at any point in my life and I will genuinely and cheerfully reply with a heartfelt "I'm good!" I have an incredibly high pain tolerance.  I gave birth to 4 very large babies WITHOUT any anesthesia.  I broke my arm due to a mountain bike crash and then continued to ride the darn bike even with a broken arm.  I have fallen off a two story roof only to have my fall broken by a grill and even though I cracked some ribs, I still managed to jump up and cheerfully exclaim that I was fine and dandy! (Long story...I'll tell you later).

But not this time.

This moment I was done.

I wanted to cry and I wanted to be warm and dry and free of pain.  That's all I could think about.  We were still five *&#@! miles from a building let alone the finish line.

So to answer David's question, "how was I doing?" Well, I told him that I wanted to cry and that I was in pain and this was really hard.  For me to admit all of that and be real opened me up to the truth that I am weak. I don't got this.  I think I freaked him out because he said to not cry - men don't deal well with blubbering women.  So then I shut up and looked up.  And ahead of me I saw the long trail up to the finish area.  It was dotted with Spartans all slowly walking through the mud up to the end.  I was not alone.  I will never be alone.  It was then that I realized that there were a lot of other people out there who were experiencing the exact same things that I was feeling.  Pain. Cold.  Uncontrolable shivering.  It's like life.  I admit I want to be so independent and not rely on others for help.  Sure, I know that I won't do the job perfectly, but I will not be a burden to others.  But here, I was physically and mentally spent and I had to rely on others if I was going to get through this.  I leaned on Brother David's shoulder at a few points when my knee could not support me.  I followed in the footsteps of the other Spartans who had trudged this path just moments before me.  And somehow or another I made it to the top.  We climbed the cargo net up and over and then finally to the last obstacle of a Spartan race - the fire jump.  In every other Spartan I have jumped with great joy and enthusiasm over the fire logs.  The professional photographers have captured these jumps on film.

Not at this moment.  I grabbed David's hand and barely could lift my legs just to step over it.  And I was done.  I crossed the finish.  I thought I would cry or collapse into a volunteer's arms, but I didn't.  I was hypnotically walking and the one consuming thought was..

Dry Clothes.

But first David and I had to wait in a 30 minute line just to get our medals.  I have never known extreme cold and violent shaking until now.  At this point we have been shivering for 6 hours and to wait in a line - in the rain for a dumb medal was beyond me and I almost lost it completely.  However, the guy in line behind us had the mouth of a sailor and he was letting everyone know exactly how he felt.  So I didn't have to lose it - he helped me out by taking the words right out of my mouth.

Needless to say, I got the medal.  I got into the female changing tent and I got dry clothes on.  It was the closest place to heaven I have ever been.  I went from the dark, rainy, cold outside to the inside of the tent where it was really warm (thanks to that AWESOME stand up heater thingy like the ones on restaurant patios), really bright and naked bodies everywhere.  Incidentally, I have JUST finished reading The Great Divorce by CS Lewis and the celestial Spirits that come greet the main character are naked, but not in an obscene way.  In a very pure and bright way is how these beings are described.  So having that on my brain, I walk into this tent and I literally said out loud,

THANK YOU, JESUS!

So here I am.  A few days post race and I have been mentally processing all of this without ceasing.  I need other people.  I repent of my pride that I have vainly held on to.  It has done nothing for me.  Lord, use this very difficult experience to be with others and help them 'embrace the suck' and have the courage to do the new.  We must have courage to walk with,  jog with,  slosh, trudge, move forward with, but we have to be willing to help and be helped.

With.

Emmanuel, God WITH us.  I know a little more about what that means now.

Thanks for reading this, and remember God is truly with you, Amen.

Another fitness challenge...but with s-x

WHAT THE?!?! What was that title?!?!

Hear me out for a few moments...

Have you heard of someone who was in this scenario?  Boy meets girl.  They are attracted to each other and that attraction is so strong that they continute the relationship and eventually get married.  First few years of marriage the Boy works really hard and isn't around as much as girl would like.  Girl is lonely and desires the company of her husband.  Girl gets pregnant and has first baby then a few years later has baby #2.  The little years of the children are sweet, but exhausting.  Girl is home a lot and makes sure the children are fed and house is relatively decent and clean.  Now it is many years later and Baby#2 is starting kindergarten.  Girl wants to get back into shape.  Girl wants to read intellectually stimulating books other than Curious George and discuss them with girlfriends at Book Club.  Girl wants to go out with girlfriends to nice restaurants for Ladies' Night Out.  Girl wants to join friends for a weekend getaway.  Now that Boy has worked so hard all these years, he has more time to devote to family and money isn't so tight anymore so Girl can do some or all of these things.  Girl goes out more than one night a week.  Boy watches kids and feeds himself and kids.  Kids.  Kids go to baseball.  Kids go to dance.  Kids have soccer practice.  Kids have birthday parties.  Pretty soon Boy is being told to pick up kids at some practice or game and then feed himself and kids because Girl has book club.  Then Girl comes home late to find Boy sleeping.  The next day Boy is hoping for a home-cooked meal with his wife and children, but is so disappointed when he is reminded by Girl that it is Friday and she will be leaving that afternoon for Girl's weekend.  He must pick up kids from school.

A few years later...

Boy and Girl split up.  Divorce.  The children are devastated.

What happened?

I have asked myself this question so many times when I hear of a couple getting divorced.  I did not make up above scenario, by the way.  I can think of at least four couples that share a similar story to this.

Now, I do not know the point of view from the Boy's side, but I can relate the woman's side of things and here are some questions I have...
1) What attracted you to Boy in the first place?
2) Why did you want to have kids?
3) What made you 'tick' before you met Boy?  In other words, what were your interests, passions, hobbies before you got married?


I believe it is important to exercise, read, do the hobbies and things that you are really passionate about. It will make you a better mom and wife.  But when these things come IN FRONT of your marriage, then there is a problem.  In the above scenario, Girl wasn't doing a whole lot to feed the part of her that loved to read, scrapbook, exercise because she was feeding her children and her husband.  Then lo and behold, when she gets back into feeding those passions she is SO deprived that she gorges.  She LOVES that she has gotten back into her interests and she is now so full that there isn't much room for her husband.  The husband has needs, interests and passions, too, but now he is the one at home with the kids while the wife is away.  The roles have reversed.

 I remember when my kids were ages 6, 4, 2, and 3 months I didn't have much energy for anything outside of caring for these four littles and my house.  But I do remember thinking about what I am passionate about and making a way to do that, but in a way that wouldn't take away time in the evenings from my husband.  I love to exercise and teach Holy Yoga.  I taught and still teach Holy Yoga one morning a week at our church.  I also went to the YMCA and put the kids in the kiddie care area while I worked out.  While at the Y, I would occaisionally meet a mom who would put her child in kiddie care and that child would scream bloddy murder and never stop until the childcare worker went to fetch the mom and the mom returned to her gasping-for-air-inbetween-crying-child.  Once I heard a mom say, "and this is why I never work out!" Then she proceded to say in an exhasperated sigh, "maybe I will come back tonight or tomorrow night and my husband can take care of the baby".

And thus it begins.

I hope that couple does not have a story like the one I wrote about earlier.

So here is my challenge... it is for 7 consecutive days.  One week.  I challenge you, Girls, to stay home every night and cook a good, hot supper each of those nights and have s-x with your husband every day.  EVERY DAY!

If a man were reading this, he would have a big ol'grin on his face!  What was your reaction?  Did you go "UGH."  Did you grin?  Did you roll your eyes?

Why?

Please do not get me wrong in that I am encouraging women to NOT pay attention to thier interests, hobbies, etc.  Those gifts that God has given you are a blessing and will bless others and build up the community.  But think and consider seriously, are they building up your marriage?  What I am asking in this challenge is to take just one week off of the chaos and get back to the fundamental base of your family.

Your marriage.

So I am going to look at a week in the next month and commit that week to restoring the health and vitality to my relationship with Tim and my children. I will pick up the kids from school at 3:15, then come home and we as a family will NOT get back in the car until 7:30am the next morning.  For SEVEN DAYS.  So that means we will not go to practice, dance, games, meetings, etc.  I will be around to hang out with my kids, I will be available to cook a good hot meal for the family and I will still have some energy left over at the end of the day for a 'romantic interlude'.  Wink, wink.

May I be so bold as to challenge you to at least do the home-cookin' and love makin' with your husband everyday for seven consecutive days.

Why would you NOT do this?  What is holding you back?  Why are you allowing it to hold you back?

Pray and ask God for help to do this.  I know He will provide meal ideas, energy and the way for this.
 
After all, a happy healty marriage is totally His idea.

Words that I don't ever want to say again

...I can't handle it...
...you need to...
...you are just like...
...hurry...


These are phrases I would like to completely eliminate from my vocabulary.  In my humble opinion, they don't really serve others or encourage others at all.  The middle two phrases especially are somewhat belittling and self-elivating.  As if I really know what someone else NEEDS to do.  I feel like I am elevating myself to be a god in the other's life.

The third phrase isn't quite right to say because each and every human being is different.  Sure we can be labeled as an extrovert or introvert, 'free spirit' or perfectionist, but to say that we are 'just like someone else' isn't entirely true.

We are just like sheep.

Seriously, we are just like sheep that have gone astray looking for greener grass.  We are just like sheep who are totally clueless to the reality that there indeed is a REAL shepherd watching over us, actively protecting us,  and always leading us to the BEST pasturers for a thriving life.  There is a God.  I believe with all my heart that there is ONE GOD, Father of ALL and HE IS REAL.  

This invisible supernatural all powerful GOD is good.  He not only made me and you, but HE loves me and you.

So what does this have to do with the aforementioned phrases at the beginning of this post? Well, to me, everything.  If HE indeed is Real and the Lord, the giver of life, then the life that I now live in the flesh is a life I can handle.  Everything that is in my life now - relationships with my kids, husband, sister, brother, parents, friends - is handle'able'.

...you need to... Well, that phrase may cross my mind, but I'm going to refrain from saying it, because the truth is that I really only hear what the Good Shephard is telling me to do.  I will trust in the fact that if He speaks to me and let's me know what I ought to do, then He will most certainly speak to you and I pray for you to have the courage to go forth with what you know to do.

...hurry...Boy, do I not like that word.  HURRY UP!!!! It's like someone yelling at me and telling me to be someone I'm not.  I feel like it's others imposing their opinions of how things should go, their personal time schedule upon me.

That is what I used to think.  But my thoughts have changed.  I put myself in the shoes of the one who was saying "hurry up" and I began to see a different perspective. The other person felt un- loved and unimportant.  That other person went so far as to say he felt invisible and sad.  Wow.   I desire to have healthy relationships and so I choose to respect the other person and be courteous.  I will be on time, because it is respectful and courteous and ultimately leads to a more healthy relationship with that friend.  I don't want to yell "HURRY UP!" at my kids and get everyone all stressed out.  I want to teach them about respect and courteousness and that these two qualities are important for maintaining healthy relationships.  I want to make every effort to show you that you are loved, you are important to me and that you are a real treasure in my life and not invisible.  That sometimes will mean waking up 10 minutes earlier or it may mean moving at a pace that may not at my preferred pace, but guess what -

You are worth it.

A God Who Glistens.

This is a glimpse of the world that I woke up to this morning.  It was sleeting all day yesterday and then the temperature has stayed below 20 degrees so that means lots of ice.  Each and every branch is encased in ice.  It makes the branches heavy and weighed down, so much so that branches break and trees break and cause damage to lots of man-made things like power lines.  

Yes, the ice that has surrounded almost everything can be a nuisance.  But look how the sun is just peaking over the house in the background.  It's hard to tell from the picture, but the ice laden trees in the background are glistening.  A rare treat for these eyes.  Soon the sun will be at a point in the sky that will make the branches in the foreground glisten like huge polished diamonds.  

Ice.  It's water that has been frozen.  Sometimes I feel stiff and unable to move.  I know I have been created to sway in the wind, and bend in all different directions, but when I am encased in ice, I barely breathe for fear of breaking.  

But then the sun comes out.

The SON.  

The sun shines on this ice encased me and causes me to glisten.  There is a beauty in this frozen state that I would not have experienced if it were always warm and cozy in my world.  

I went for a walk out in this glistening frozen wonderland because I know it won't last long.  The sun, as it has the power to make this icy world sparkle, it also has the power to melt away the ice, so I wanted to take lots of pictures, both in my mind and with my camera.  

The SON has the power to make me glisten under the weight of frozen water and in due time, has the power to melt away all the cold hard ice so that I can know true freedom.  

The LORD, maker of heaven and earth, is the God who Glistens.

No matter how tired, if there is love...

Wow, it had been nearly a year since I last posted something.  So much life here on lavendar lane has been, well, lavendary.

Sigh.  Today is Paul's birthday.  He is now 5.  My precious little Paul.  He's my best little Paul, I say to him every night.  He replies, "you are my best mommy"

So today I had a party for him.  A lego party.  It was lots of fun.  21 kids were there and 5 other moms. Nutty, but fun.

I am just so tired I can hardly stand it.  Have you ever been so tired that you want to cry? Late night last night, really early to rise today and I've been running at a steady 90 mph all day long.  I'm just so tired. I fully realize that I did this of my own accord, but still...   I purposefully put supper on the table earlier than usual tonight so the kids would be in bed earlier.  I read a book for each child, said prayers, hugs kisses, goodnight, I love you - the whole bit.  And wouldncha know it all four are still wide awake and oh I just heard Benjamin roaming around the house calling for me.  It is 9:45 at night.  I am sitting outside on the front porch listening to the most wonderful summer night sounds and watching the soft golden twinkles of the fireflies.  Yes, in theory this sounds serene, but right this minute I am hearing my precious little curly topped 2 year old calling, "Mommy? Mommy!! Are you?!?!" I'm not gonna lie, I feel like taking this here laptop and throwing it down on the patio, storming inside and picking up this offspring of mine and literally throwing him in the bed!

Deep breath.

I listen.  No sounds of Ben Ben.  Maybe he went back to bed.  Maybe he is in my bathroom putting his chubby little fingers in my overpriced night renewing serum. (Which he has done before many times) Maybe he is in the playroom quietly playing with his older brothers lego structures that took Eric a fortnight to build.  (Again, he's been there done that) Wherever he is, it doesn't matter because I should respond to him in the same way.  With kindess, gentleness, goodness, patience and joyfully.

Easier said than done.  Heck, reading what the fruits of the spirit are is just that - letting my eyes see the words and then my brain comprehends the meaning of these words that are put together in their specific order.  But living them?  Oh, Jesus help me.  Do I even have the Spirit in me???, because there is NO sign of joy, peace, patience (for shizzle none of that!), kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness.

But there is love.  Love.  That is the first in the list of the fruit of the spirit.  Love.

I look into the faces of these offspring and I breathe and count.  Self-control this is, because there is a fleeting thought that runs through my mind as I want to take these offspring of mine and drop-kick them.

After that couting time and a big deep breath, these little faces before me are gifts.  They are precious gifts with souls that can never die.  Not just offspring that I must teach to obey, but gifts to enjoy.  Why did God make me?  I think it was because He wanted to and He enjoys us.

So yes, I do have the Holy Spririt in me because there is love.  I look into the eyes of these precious little children and I am so in love with them.  This encourages me because if there is love, then there are those other things, too.

Joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control.

Another big deep breath.  Happy birthday to Paul, I really do LOVE you.

I found Minja right in front of the playset

Eric holding Minja

Minja came to live with us 8 days ago.  We were all in the backyard playing when I looked down and there in the middle of the grass was a little baby box turtle.  I immediately called the kids over to me and we all took turns holding this wonderful little creature.  My resourceful little Amy found a box to put the turtle in while Eric and Paul looked around for decor and food sources to place in the box.  After the turtle was in its new home for a few hours we finally came up with a name.  Well, Paul came up with it.  

MINJA

After the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  But Paul doesn't say 'ninja', he says 'minja'.  Why just the other day he said that he wanted to be a 'minja' for Halloween.  So that's how Minja got its name.  Eric and Amy call it 'Ninja' because I guess they don't see Paul's sayings in the same way I do.  

We fed Minja grass and tomatoes, but I never saw it eat.  After being with us for 8 days we decided it was time to let it go.  But before we did, Amy took some nail polish and wrote her initials on its shell.  So if you ever see a standard box turtle with ACM painted in metallic turquoise on its shell, then by all means get out your iphone and take a picture, give it some love and call us.  

We love you, MINJA.  You will always have a home here...

Official release into our side hydrangea bed

ACM in metallic turquoise nail polish.  We love you, Minja!

True hospitality

We moved into this big ol beautiful house exactly one year ago.  I remember thinking about all of the wonderful times we would experience together.  The huge family holidays, lots of birthday parties, summer cook-outs, and on and on.  I asked God to teach me hospitality.  I asked Him to help me be a good hostess.  

When we go to other folks' homes for supper or a party, I notice things like how a table is set and how the home is decorated.  I totally notice the food that the host has prepared and how it is served.  How is the furniture arranged for optimum flow of traffic?  where are the drinks in relation to the food?  How present is the hostess in conversing with her guests?  I notice all of that stuff.  

Well, we have lots of people staying in this house right now and they are exhausted.  They don't care about the flow of traffic or how the flowers are arranged.  They are broken.  They need a hostess who knows what it is to be broken.  They are hungry.  They need a hostess to has strong arms to hold them and empty shoulders to cry on.  They need Jesus.  I have been given a glorious opportunity to host some folks who - in the eyes of American society - don't have thier act together.  But really, who does?  

Loving the unloveable, serving the ungrateful, washing the dirty, feeding the hungry, comforting the broken - this is true hospitality.  This is where Jesus has me.  Big sigh.  After all, that is what HE has done for me.  Amen.

Not on my watch

Judges 2: 6-10
And when Joshua had dismissed the people, the children of Israel went each to his own inheritance to possess the land.  So the people served the Lord all the days of Joshua, and all the days of the elders who outlived Joshua, who had seen all the great works of the Lord which He had done for Israel.  Now Joshua the son of Nun, the servant of the Lord, died when he was one hundred and ten years old.  When all that generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation arose after them who did not know the Lord nor the work which He had done for Israel.

This is a crucial time in my life as I am home a lot with four little children.  Four very bright, impressionable, healthy young human beings with a future.  I must teach them to remember.  I must tell them about the wonderful works of the God who created them.  Do they know about the many miracles of the LORD?  Who is going to point them to the truth about who made them and how they are to respond to their Maker?

Daddy and Mamma. Tim and me.

This gives new breath to my soul as I am looking forward to full day at home with the kids.  I used to look at 'all day at home' days as a dread.  But now my perspective has changed because of this teaching task to which I have been assigned.  I feel inadequate, but I know that I've got a great 'teacher's manual' to guide me through this sizable job.  So no, I won't let them grow up without knowing about how GREAT GOD IS.  Not on my watch.  

She asked me for his name...

My little Benjamin and I were at Kroger the other day just putzin' around and filling up our buggy with the usual stuff.  I pushed the buggy to a checkout station that looked promisingly efficient so that meant that I could get my stuff paid for and out of there fast.  Well, that didn't happen and I am glad.  As I was standing there looking at the ridiculous tabloids that draw in my attention like a Death Star tractor beam Benjamin was wriggling his way out of that baby safety strap and working on standing up.  This sweet old lady behind me tapped my shoulder and said, "your baby is getting out of his seat".

Thank you, I said with an sheepishly embarrassed tone.

But I am glad I turned around because what I was about to experience was precious.

I picked up Benjamin from the buggy seat, brought him to my hip and started chatting with this sweet lady.  She looked like she was at least 75 or older and she was accompanied by a nice gal wearing scrubs.  Her smile was big and bright and her eyes were just locked into Benjamin.  She reached out her wrinkled old hands to squeeze Ben's fat feet and told me that I was 'very blessed'.

Indeed, I replied.

Then he did something that he has never done.  He reached both arms out to her.  He wanted to go to her just like he reaches for me when someone else is holding him.

Just when you thought her smile couldn't get any bigger, it did and she took him into her arms and held him close.  He even rested his sweet head down to her shoulder.  The moment was precious.

Now you have to know my Benjamin.  He is a MOMMA's boy!!!  He doesn't like it when others hold him.  He will usually let Tim hold him if I am not in the room. But the minute he sees me, he cries and reaches for me.  He won't stop crying until he is securely on my hip.  

So as she is holding B she asked me what his name is.

Benjamin.

Benjamin, she says with a smile as she automatically places one hand on his head.  Well, this sweet moment comes to an end and he reaches back for me and as he goes back to the hip I am whisked back to reality of the check out line.

We waved good-bye to that nice old lady and her helper and they waved back.  Bye -Bye, Benjamin, she said.

As we drove away I was replaying the whole experience in my mind and I suddenly realized that I had not asked her for her name.  I felt guilty about that.  You see when she asked for Benjamin's name, she acknowledged his value, his worth, his honor as a human being.  He has a name and it was carefully chosen for this boy.

We all have been given a name.  We all have value, worth and dignity.  We have a place. It means a lot when we call people by their name.  I hear people all the time say "I'm not very good with names"

I don't buy that.

I think we CAN be good with names.  People that have said that oh so familiar 'Im-not-very-good-with names' bit ARE good with names because they are people who truly love and value others.  I've seen it from them.

Asking someone what their name is, remembering it, and calling them by their name has immeasurable meaning.  I experienced it that day in Kroger.  I hope to see that sweet old lady again.  And when I do, I will ask her for her name.

If these walls could talk

As I sit here tonight, I am surrounded by boxes packed full with our stuff.  In my bedroom there are a few boxes at the very place where the bassinet used to be.  There is a box in the place where the small rocking chair used to be.  My babies Paul and Benjamin where brought home to this house and they laid in the bassinet that was right next to my side of the bed and next to that was the rocking chair.  Those were sweet days with my newborns.

How many times have I walked up and down that hallway during all hours of the day and night, heck in just one month's time let alone four years? Too many to count.

I arrived at this house on July 1, 2008.  Sight unseen.  In April 2008 Tim flew from Phx to Knox, picked out this house for us and bought it.  He came back to me in Phoenix with lots of pictures, but I don't remember seeing them.  Then in June, he left Phoenix for Knoxville and moved in with our stuff while I stayed in Phoenix for a few extra weeks.  I flew out to Knoxville with (at that time) our only children and my mother.  Tim picked us up at the airport and drove us here to where I am now.

I wish I could describe what was going on in my head when we drove down the street that lead me to the place I was to call home.  I was excited, apprehensive, nervous, curious.  But mostly, I was just going.  I knew that I was going to be okay.  I trusted Tim and I knew he was going to get something that we both liked.  So we drive up to the house and there it is..

JUST KIDDING!!!!

This is the best picture I could come up with.  We have better pictures, but they are on the desktop computer downstairs and I am using the laptop upstairs.

The house is banana pudding yellow and I could not have picked out a better place for us.  God most certainly had this house in mind for us when He brought us to Knoxville.

Here are some memories that come to mind...
Dinners on the deck, slip n slide in the yard, chatting in the yard with neighbors, seeing 'welcome baby Paul' and 'welcome baby Benjamin' signs on the front door, parties in the backyard, Eric and Amy learning to ride a two-wheel bike in the church parking lot, picking apples...

Oh that list can go on and on and on.  I am sad with this move, because although we are staying in town and our new home is only about 15 minutes away, I feel as though I am watching a close loved one die.  I guess I feel like that if I leave then house, then I will loose all of the precious memories made here.  These memories are of my children during the early years of thier lives.

I suppose it really doesn't matter what kind of shelter one has to house a family.  It's the family inside the shelter that matter.

That being said, I will hang on to the memories and bid farewell to the house.  Stay tuned for more tales from a new lane on 'Tales from Lavendar Lane'

The cute things they say

Loving these little years!!!  I love it this time.  I really do.  I want to savor these moments and tuck these memories into my mind so as never to be forgotten.  My children are just so precious and I am crazy about them.

They have been saying the cutest things lately and so here I am blogging about them to share with the world wide web.

Eric - "Hey Mom, when are we going to get and SURV?  We can put lots of stuff in it and go camping."
Me - "Don't you mean an SUV?"
Eric - "No Mom an SURV.  Like Eli and Austin have"
(These little boys come from a family that own a fifth wheel RV and thus take it on their family campouts)

Eric - "MOM!!!!!!! Paul is fast forwarding it backwards!" (translation: Paul was touching the rewind button on the DVD player)

Amy - "We have to wash our hair tonight because we went swimming in the pool and so we have to get all of the caffeine out"

Paul - (might I just say that Paul wins hands down for the cutest sayings.  Maybe because he is 3 or maybe because he is just super cute)
"Mommy, I want to be on the 'ready-watch-the-gate' team" (he says this while watching the Olympics)
"I winned.  You lose."
"Theres Yoba in yours phone" (explanation: I have a ringtone that is actually Yoda saying 'do or do not there is no try')
"Bye!  I'm going to college now.  I love you.  I'll call you when I'm at college"
Singing to the tune of Davy Crockett "Baby, baby crockett, king of the wild kratts tear"

Benjamin - "Dadadadadada"

As I sit here in my living room I look around and there are toys, shoes, pencils, clothes all over the floor.  All of this stuff has a home, but it is not in its proper place.  It is all over the counter tops and the floor.  Sigh. I suppose I should get up and clean up, but alas the motivation is not there.  Instead I am sitting, typing, reminiscing.

I just love to cradle their little faces in my hands and look deep into thier young eyes.  I am amazed that these human beings have a little bit of Tim and a little bit of me in them.

I'm going to blink and they will be in college.  And I sure do hope Paul will indeed call me!

Wishes do come true...

This is Amy on Main Street at Disney World Magic Kingdom about to give Pinoccio a high five.

Can I just say Disney World ROCKS!!! I had so much fun and so did the rest of us!

"I see Mickey Mouse" came from Paul every other minute.

It truly is a magical place... at least for me and my family. My children have seen many of the Disney movies like Peter Pan, Little Mermaid, etc. and then for them to actually SEE these characters in person and wave to them is breathtaking! I was looking at this whole experience from their perspective and it was awesome, speechless, exciting and on and on.

I just tried downloading other pictures and was having trouble, so I will attempt again later. Meanwhile, here are some Disney World tips

GO during the last week of January or first week of February! It was 77 degrees, sunny and not super crowded.

Bring a backpack with lots of snacks and drinks

Get the FAST PASS thingys. The longest we waited in line for anything was 15 minutes.

See the street shows and parades. It was so fun to see my kids' faces light up when the characters waved at them.

"She waved at me!!!" From an excited Amy and it was all I could do to not run out in the middle of the parade and thank Snow White for waving at my daughter. It made her day and mine!!

As cheesy as it may sound, wishes do come true at Disney World.

home made gak

Made gak today with older two kids. The idea of it is more fun than actually playing with it. Eric and Amy thought it was cool for about 5 mintues then put the stuff in zip top bags and went on their way. Here is the recipie anyway...

Solution A

4 tsp Borax

1 1/3 cup warm water

Solution B

1 cup water

1 cup glue (Elmer's school glue or the like)

food coloring

Mix up solution A in a bowl until borax is totally dissolved. Mix up Solution B in separate container. Slowly pour solution A into Solution B bowl and do not mix. With your hands gently mix until you have gak.

That's about it.

In other news, it is a little past midnight right now and I just came from my Precious Paul's room. He was crying out "mommy!" and he rarely does that so I went in to check on him. He was standing in his crib saying "hurt" so I picked him up and rocked him. I thought he went back to sleep so as I put him back in the crib he said again "hurt. finger. band aid." He LOVES band aids. Especailly Straberry Shortcake ones. so my first reaction was

It is midnight - and you don't need a band aid!! But Paul will be Paul and he kept repeating to my chagrin "hurt. finger. band aid. strawberry shortcake one."

At this point of the day, I value sleep over winning an argument with my two year old so I reluctantly went to the bathroom, flipped on the light and looked for the box of Strawberry Shortcake band aids. I put it on some random finger because no telling which one was truly "hurt" then he immediately laid down.

Strawberry shortcake band aids. Who woulda thunk

It's not about the house...

I am so tired I can hardly think straight. Why am I not in bed?! Weellll, that is because I have learned a valuable lesson and I just wanted to get it recorded and frankly, it is faster for me to type than to write in my journal that I have beside my bed.

So I hung Christmas lights today. I got out our huge ladder and hung the icicle Christmas lights from the roof to trim the house. I thought only men did that when I was growing up, but I am married to a busy doctor type so I have done a lot of things on my own, now add hanging Christmas lights to that list. I must say it looks good. Props to my neighbor Jared for helping when I had to stop to nurse Baby Benjamin. I just want my house to look 'Christmasy'. I want the inside to be clean, picked up and cutesy decorated. So I spend too much time away from the things that matter and put my mind to making my house look like a magazine home.

And then I hear a still, small voice inside my soul

It's not about your house

Moving on... which is what I did. Tomorrow my husband and I are going to a work Christmas party. It is at some super swanky, fancy, high class country club, the likes of which I am SO not classy enough for. So WHAT on EARTH am I going to wear!!!!?????? Do you realize that I am 5 weeks post partum? The only thing Christmas partyish about this body is my mid section because it resembles that of Santa's. It shakes when I laugh like a bowl full of jelly. Core muscles - What are they? I want to look nice and not be an embarrassment to my husband, but when am I going to get out and shop for something suitable to wear?

Yesterday Tim got off early (2:30pm) and came on home! He graciously offered to be in charge of the kids whilst I go search the stores for a dress, a bra that fits (this by the way is VERY key), some shoes and some jewels. Here was the plan - and I was getting rather excited I might add. He would get home, I would nurse the baby, make sure all was set with the other kids then leave. Well, that did not happen. Some pals from Tim's work were going to happy hour at a local hang out and they invited Tim. He went (with my blessing, yes) with the intention to build relationships with these guys and share Christ with them. I would shop later. The malls are open until 11pm and I could go later on and let him do bed time with kids (even better ;-). Hours later he called asking me to pray for the guy that he was hanging out with. We didn't speak long. Just long enough to say that this guy was going through a tough time and Tim wanted to minister to him and be a witness for Jesus.

I totally faked cheerfulness. He profusely apologized and I faked a cheery disposition as I told him that I was proud of him for being Christ's witness to this lost soul and that I would pray for their conversation. Totally faked it. I hung up and I cried. I was so disappointed because I REALLY wanted to go shopping.

And then I hear a still, small voice inside my soul

It's not about your clothes

So, here I am. After a few very, very long single mom days I sit and I am ready to listen to this still, small voice.

It is about glorifying Me.

"Consider the lilies of the field. Yet, Solomon in all his glory was not clothed as such as these. Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things shall be added"

Big sigh. It's not about my house. It's not about what I wear. So I sit here, asking for His forgiveness, earnestly praying for Tim and this guy that he really wants to help, and choosing to look past the messy house and jelly belly to the everlasting reality of God's love.

For I so Loved this world, that I sent my one and only SON [as a humble tiny baby] that whosoever believe in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.

"That's what Christmas is all about, Tara McIlrath"

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

For months I have been feeling this baby inside of me kicking, rolling, squirming and on and on. So the anticipation of his arrival was indeed great because I really wanted to get to know this child who for so long was so busy! His official due date was October 18, but according to my past history of childbearing that does not mean that the delivery will occur on or anywhere near that date.

All of my older three were 11 days overdue.

So October 18 comes and goes. Then October 25 comes and goes and I am still pregnant. Knowing that this baby is probably well over 9 lbs and fully formed, I decided to enact the plan... I drank castor oil. YUCK! and double YUCK! So I downed that nasty stuff at 2 in the afternoon and then about 6ish that evening it started taking effect (it is a laxative). Well, the evening progresses, but my contractions do not so we all go to bed.

About 2AM I wake up to some pretty good contractions and journey up and down the hallway from the bathroom to the kitchen. "THis is IT" I know it is time, so I call the doctor, wake my husband and mom and call the neighbor who is going to come and watch the kids for us while we are gone.

But fear grips me. A deep overwhelming fear that takes over my whole body and intensifies my contractions like nothing I've felt before. "This is too good to be true" or "I have three healthy babies, this one has to have something wrong with it" or "there was something wrong with the ultrasound and it didn't show a major defect that this baby has".

I could go on. I began to pace the floors as I heard Tim turn on the shower. Just as he was getting out, I decided to jump in and boy am I glad I did. It was as if God was washing all of that fear off. The hot water relaxed my body and my spirit so that the fear was no longer an issue in me, but rushing down the drain with the rest of the water.

So we pack up the car and away to UT we go. Upon arrival we are greeted by my doctor and get the IV of antibiotics going. Well the contractions practically stopped. BUMMER! I was about 4-5 cm dialated and about 60% effaced.

So that was 3:30am and then we just hung out until 9am when she came back to break my water. I thought for sure I would have the baby two hours later. Two hours later came and went and still no baby. Started me on pitocin and that kicked in some, but not enough. Kicked up the dosage of pit a few times and by 1pm the contractions were getting good and close.

FINALLY, at 1:30pm, after being at the hospital for 10 hours I was complete and ready to push. You must understand that I was at the hospital for three hours before I had Eric, one hour before I had Amy and 10 minutes for Paul. This long labor was not something I was prepared for and I was tired.

Pushed for 30 minutes and it was the worst 30 minutes of my entire life...yet the best. At the end of it all I welcomed a precious life into my arms.

Turns out he was sunny side up, meaning his head and body were facing up which makes for a more difficult delivery.

Oh those few moments of agony was indeed the worst pain I have EVER experienced in my life, but it brought out the best little Benjamin boy you ever did see.

Welcome to the world Benjamin Miller McIlrath 9lbs 2oz! So glad you are here!

Siblings

Yesterday morning before church Paul and Eric were running around the house laughing and playing with each other. Eric would hide and Paul would run after him to find him then both would squeal and laugh at the sight of each other prompting Eric to run somewhere else and the start all over again.

Meanwhile, Amy was with me in the bathroom doing hair and make up. Who knew!?! Just last summer we would have major battle drama when it came to hair and getting her somewhat groomed. Now she not only wants to see what I am doing, but groom herself to the utmost.

Well, back to the brothers...they just loved running around and bumping into each other then running away from each other only to rejoice in the moment of seeing the other's face just seconds later.

Later that day a few neighbor boys came over to play. Our backyard becomes a local hangout for these boys. The 9 year old boy has one 14 year old sister and the 5 year old boy has an 18 month old sister. So these boys aren't used to having siblings close in age which lends itself to the normal day in day out of wrestling, tugging at each other for space in momma's lap, and other stuff that sibs close in age have to deal with. The two neighbor boys were a little annoyed with Eric and Amy taunting them with a plastic shovel. So the 9 year old comes and tattles to me while I see that my kids have learned to deal with the annoyance.

As I observed their play, I suddenly became aware that I missed my brother and sister. My brother is about to celebrate his 34th birthday in a few days. My little brother - 34! We are 22 months apart and we were playmates oh so many years ago. I am thankful for my brother. We had some fun times together and for that I am truly grateful. Wish we could see each other more often.

My sister and I talk more often and I learn so much from here. Even though she is 5 years younger, she has enriched my life more than she'll ever know.

Siblings. I love them and I am thankful for them. Yes, I say that now that I am a grown up and not fussing over who cheated at Monopoly. At any rate, I love you Bradley! I love you, Kristin and I sincerely thank God for making us sibs!!

O to know God's Heart!

"knowing God's heart means consistently, radically, and very concretely to announce and reveal that God is love and only love, and that every time fear, isolation, or despair begin to invade the human soul this is not something that comes from God. "

-Henri Nouwen from In the Name of Jesus. Crossroad Publishing

We love because HE first loved us. I don't really get how much He loves me. If I were able to grasp the fullness of His love, for little ol' me, I have a feeling my outlook on life would be much different.

Prayers of little saints

Tonight at our small group we went on a 'prayer walk'

I am really glad we did and it was precious to take a devoted time to pray with our children. Amy and Eric were with me (Timmy is on call). So we went from room to room praying for different things.

We get to the room where we were to pray for Fellowship Church. (This is our local church that we are a part of)

Lately my kids have been preoccupied with things, especially buildings catching on fire. They pray all the time that our house doesn't burn down. So that might explain Amy's little prayer...

Amy prays - "i pray that the church doesn't get fired and that the people inside don't melt"

Made for the moment

Home alone. I am in my house all by myself for the next three hours. Weird. I am used to having little ones about making noise and making mess. Yesterday I was looking forward to having a break without kids and now I am wondering why I was so rushed to get them out of the house. I had this enormous list of things to do while they are in school and now I do not feel like getting to even number one. That stuff doesn't matter. I think I was made for motherhood.

Made to have somewhat of a squishy body so that my children will feel all warm and cozy when they snuggle up to me.

Made to smile at their cuteness even though to some their smile may seem mischievous.

Made to enjoy the sounds of little voices playing, jabbering - heck even screaming - because that means that they are alive.

Now that they are not around I realize what a gift these little ones are. So, here I am with a bit of a new perspective on motherhood. It is really just a moment in time. And I was made for this moment. I won't be so quick to yearn for 'time off' of mothering. It's my moment for motherhood. Embrace it! Embrace them!

All too soon this life shall pass and only what's done for Christ will last.